Women of Essence and Empty Coconuts

In my mother's obituary we wrote,
"Ines leaves behind Alexander, husband, four women of essence... and eight grandchildren..."

I don't remember the first time I heard the words "Woman of Essence", but I am certain it was used as the ultimate example of who I was to become, contrary to its polar opposite, the unthinkable "Empty Coconut." Let me explain...

A Woman of Essence is a woman of depth. A woman who cries real tears, often for others rather than for herself. She is poised, confident, knowledgeable, and warm. She is socially at ease but loves to talk deeply one on one. She is a woman of deep spirituality and strong convictions. She is a reader who loves to learn and a learner who loves to read. She is every heroine. This was the goal. And I was reminded of it at every opportunity. Now, the opposite...

The Empty Coconut is shallow. She was depicted by my mother as the "party girl." Always rushing off to the next soiree, desperately seeking a good time, and unwilling or unable to connect on the heart level. The Empty Coconut is unable to carry on meaningful conversations, is unread, uncultured, and uninterested in such things. Her conversation is generally about what has happened within the last week, not the last century. She gives her body too freely but doesn't feed her mind. (Why were these loose and unimpressive women called Empty Coconuts? My Colombian-born mother was known to butcher English idioms, or invent her own when none in our language sufficed. Empty Coconut is one example of such an invention.)

My mother never told us stories about heroines and notable women like Joan of Arc or Queen Elizabeth. Helen Keller or Clara Barton. I learned about those women in school. But still, she effectively conveyed an idea that made its mark on my mind. It inspired me to offer my best in moments when compromising my ideals seemed the easiest route. It caused me to hold on to my morals, values, and good judgment even when I had let go of religion. The people in my life feel the deep love a Woman of Essence shares. But...

But sometimes it's nice to be an Empty Coconut!

Being a Woman of Essence is a daily responsibility. It's like a job. But it can also make one a little too serious, a little too deep, a little too... oh, I don't know... essential?

I've always envied the Empty Coconuts a little. Okay, a lot. They seem to have more fun. They laugh about things that a Woman of Essence might not find funny, but they seem to be laughing more. I don't envy the consequences of promiscuity, but I marvel at the freedom. I envy those who find community easily, who need less emotional intensity in order to bond, who aren't looking for other heroes and heroines to get a beer with, just other people. And I love shallow, just for shallow's sake. Because life is heavy, and dealing with it head on is necessary, but exhausting. And sometimes fashion rags are better than literature.

So perhaps what I seek and maybe should have been taught is to seek a balance. So here goes...

If you reading this are a Woman of Essence (you know...), then may we all find our moments of Empty Coconut-headed-ness and enjoy them fully!

If you reading this are an Empty Coconut (be honest...), then may you find your inner Woman of Essence, nurture her, and never be afraid to hold yourself to high standards. You are worth it.

And may we all find and practice balance.

(And that, I think, is being a Woman of Essence.)