"I'll Be There For You"

We mean well, don't we?

We see one another struggle, and our hearts hurt.  We see friends make what might be mistakes with substantial consequences, and we wince.  This is at the heart of empathy - hurting for another's pain.  In moments of crisis or confusion, we might get that phone call or text:

Are you available?  I need you.


And most of us are touched.  We quickly examine our emotional and intellectual resources and decide to move toward the person in need.  We return the call, we set up coffee...

But what happens when the meeting or conversation doesn't go as planned?  What happens when our best intentions at being helpful are met with quiet resistance on the part of our hurting friend?  Have we done something wrong?  Did this person not really want help after all?  Perhaps... But while some of us have good intentions, we lack skills.  Over years of being called on by various friends in need, I have offered my best and at times it's gone well and at other times, not so much.

I have learned this: there are skills that accompany being a friend in need.

Being called on by another human being during a time of need is an honor.  When the heart aches and breaks, it will seek out others who can tend to it.  If we don't see this as an honor, we should think twice before we decide to "be there" for another person.  It is not a chore, nor is it a means to feeling important or needed.  It is simply an honor for someone to reach out their hand and effectively say, "Please grasp my hand.  Your hand in mine makes mine feel stronger."

Here are some tips I hope you'll find helpful:

1. Do not compare your heartache with someone else's.  This is a big one.  Perhaps you've gone through something similar.  Perhaps you've walked through what you consider to be the exact same scenario as another person.  Here's the thing: you haven't.  You don't have their personality, their frame of reference, or their experiences.  Accept that a similar situation uniquely enables you to be more compassionate than someone else with little or no experience, but it does not make you an expert either.  Be willing to listen to someone's story as something new and wholly theirs.

2. Don't minimize.  Comparing someone's problem with something else dramatically larger in order to bring them into "better perspective" is not effective.  Pain is relative.  Each person is experiencing what they are experiencing in that moment.  Give them the space to do that.  It may take minutes, days, weeks, or months for someone to process what they are feeling.  This depends on their history, the severity of the painful circumstance, and their emotional resources.  Don't judge that process.  Support it.

3. Support, don't try to solve.  You don't have to say anything.  No really.  You don't.  Support is not solutions.  Let me say that again.  Support is NOT solutions.  A loved one in need saying, "I'm so sad and need to talk" is NOT equivalent to saying, "Here's my situation.  What do you think?"  Know when you are being asked for advice and know when you are being asked to listen.  Simply being with someone and loving them by listening is enough.

4.  Let the loved one lead.  There may be times when we need to wrest control of a situation that is getting dangerous and steer another toward a better path, but for the most part, people know what they need.  If your friend or loved one is crying, don't try to make them laugh.  If they are laughing, laugh with them.  If they are seeking hope, offer hope.  If they are seeking solace, offer comfort.  But whatever you do, don't be a Pollyanna.  There is a time to offer optimism and hope - be sensitive to that timing.  And if you feel that a loved one is turning down a road of despair, lead them back to a road of healing gently.

5. Understand that sadness and sorrow are normal.  Everyone goes through hard times.  If you cannot sit with another person through pain and discomfort, then learn to sit with your own pain and discomfort.  We tend to love others as we love ourselves.  If you don't allow yourself to hurt, you probably won't sit well with others when they hurt.  Emotions, like weather, pass.  If they don't, then another course of action is required.  But for the most part, emotions that are heard, supported, and tended to will pass.  Accept sadness and sorrow as part of life.  There's nothing wrong with someone who's feeling those things.  There is plenty wrong with someone who isn't.

6. Don't preach.  Showing another person the love and power of God is often accomplished through actions, not words.  Sometimes we fear that another person's faith is weak or struggling if they are experiencing sadness or grief.  Not at all!  Faith and emotions can exist in the same body.  Remember: Jesus cried with Mary and Martha before he raised Lazarus from the dead.  He didn't have to, but he did.  Grief can precede glory.

7. Check back in.  When someone deposits a $1,000,000 in the bank, they become a very special customer.  They will most likely receive a letter in the mail, thanking them for their business.  When someone deposits the treasure of their pain into your heart, treat them and that deposit with great respect.  It is a huge trust.  The following day or two, check in gently and generally.  Without bringing up the specifics of their pain, ask them how it's going for them, and tell them that they are on your mind.  Asking questions that are overly specific or vulnerable like, "are you still crying about ...?" or "is such and such still on your mind?" may bring them back into a place of sadness or even cause embarrassment at the disclosure.  Determine where they are on that day, in that moment, and go from there.

8. Be careful about oversharing your "similar" experience.  This relates to number 1.  Many times, when people share their sorrow and pain, they unconsciously trigger in us some unfinished work we need to do about a situation in our own lives.  Have the grace to put your own memories and pain on the back burner in order to fully attend to someone in their own pain.  Use your own experience as fuel for empathy, and when you have left the friend, call someone else and talk about your own pain.  But don't use that situation - the hour of their need - to process your unfinished business.  If someone is truly in pain, they need all of you.  There will be time for you to talk out your own feelings later.

9. Listen.  BIG ONE.  Learn to listen.  Learn to let silence pass gently.  When someone is processing strong emotions, they may not always have the presence of mind to put what they are feeling into words.  Especially words that make sense!  Extroverts will talk it out and introverts will often process in their own minds.  Either way, patience is required.  And listening requires great patience.  It may be helpful to draw someone out at times.  Questions like, "what's behind your tears?" or "you seem so sad, do you want to talk about it?" can be enormously helpful in getting another's thoughts rolling.  Don't, however, feel the need to fill silence with your own words.  Give another person space and silence to find their voice.

10. Be honest.  You are not a counselor.  (Unless you are a counselor.)  You are not required to be present and available for every challenge another person may encounter.  If you can offer help, then be specific about what you can offer.  In some cases of real tragedy or life-threatening crisis, you may choose to drop what you have in your life to attend to a loved one.  However, those situations are rare.  If someone needs you, you are free to decide to what extent, if at all, you can offer yourself, your time, and your emotional resources.  If you sense that what they are pulling you into is too taxing for you, be honest.  Say something like, "I love you and I know you need support right now, but because of the challenges in my own life, I'm not going to be able to be there for you in the way that you need.  I would love to check in with you periodically though."  This will free up your friend to find someone who can meet the need.

Above all, relax and breathe.  Attending to someone in pain need not be painful.  Simply listen, support, and remain open to them.  People are resilient and tend to work things out.

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"  Ecclesiastes 4:10