I went running this morning.
I was out of coffee and rather than "running" to the grocery store to get it, I literally ran to the grocery store and ran back with a bag of coffee in my hand. And perhaps it was the endorphins firing off during the run; perhaps it was simply the beauty of the morning; or maybe my heart is just at peace... but I couldn't stop smiling, laughing, and singing while I ran. I stopped to take a picture of two birds (this is not something I normally do when I'm focused on a run) balancing atop a church steeple - simply because their poise and perspective struck me this morning.
Oh, for days like this! Job? What job? Let every day be a Saturday...
I arrived back at my apartment, coffee in hand, and glanced around at the many things that I'd like to accomplish today.
Rehang that mirror.
Organize that box o' stuff.
Go through those receipts. (groan)
Return this.
Look for that.
Wait! Coffee first. While it percolated, I accomplished one small task on the list of things to do...
With a warm cup of coffee in hand and Jim Brickman in the background (don't judge), I opened up my Bible. With such a glowing morning behind me, I wanted to stay in a space of inspiration and peace...
Only my mind wouldn't go there. Before I knew it, I was online looking at occasional chairs! I was checking email, reading news, googling the artist I'd just heard on Pandora...
Darn distractions!
Ok, refocus, Vanessa. Get your mind "into this"...
Try again. Read the same verse again. More chairs...
This time I prayed: God, give me the mental discipline to focus. I clearly can't this morning. I'm asking for your help.
And almost immediately an insight came: There is mental discipline and there is emotional discipline. You need both, Vanessa.
Emotional discipline? What is that? I'm certainly familiar with the idea of mental discipline. This relates to the ability to focus, to concentrate on a task or subject. This may be closely related to "will power." (Although as I get older, I'm beginning to view that particular phrase more and more as an oxymoron. Is there any power in our will? Any power whatsoever? But that's another blog post... )
Emotional discipline.
The discipline to... control our emotions? No, no, that can't be right. That's actually impossible. We feel what we feel. All emotional output is rooted in either conscious or subconscious experience.
The discipline to... stuff our emotions? Not that either. That's the precursor to depression, anxiety, and significant mental anguish. That honors no part of the human heart and brings death. (Sometimes literally)
The discipline to... notice? YES. The skill of recognizing what we feel when we feel it. This self-knowledge needn't guide or determine our course of action. That is another path altogether, another function of the mind and soul. But do we notice?
Not always.
If we weren't raised with emotional language, we may not even have words to express our emotions and find ourselves saying things like, "I feel weird" or "I feel off" or "I just feel icky."
If we were raised in emotionally negating environments, you know... homes where emotions are somehow viewed as "dangerous," "bad," "selfish," or "stupid," then we learned long, long ago to shut off the voice of the heart - the voice that speaks our feelings - and function as perfectionists. Ahhh... perfectionism. A popular destination on the highway called Depression.
But if we were taught to listen to our hearts, to notice our feelings, to honor them by acknowledging them (thus acknowledging our own hearts, thus our inherent value as beings made in the image of God), and to choose our course of action for the moment based on a holistic experience of ourselves, well then that's the cat's meow.
Me, I'm still working on this. See, this morning I was on a natural high from running and beauty. When I settled in to read, I had trouble focusing because of the myriad tasks and projects coming to mind. Instead of noticing my joy, my eagerness to keep the energy going, my slight sadness at slowing down for a bit to read, I did what perfectionists do: I jumped right into guilt.
Why can't I just focus?
What's wrong with me?
I don't want to read right now and feel terrible about that.
I'm so _______ (fill in the blank) because I clearly don't want to read the Bible!
One person may not notice their emotions and just give in to them: "I can't focus. That's the end of it. I'm not even going to try."
I'm too much of a perfectionist for that. My modus operandi is far more self-punishing: "I'm going to sit here and make myself do what I ought to do." And right there I grasped the hands of my two best friends and slave-masters: perfectionism and guilt.
Well this morning, I'm letting both go! So long Perfectionism and Guilt...
Hello, Heart. I'm so sorry I've ignored you, shunned you, blamed you, hated you, silenced you, and wished you dead. Today, this morning, I hear you. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for the joy I experienced this morning.
And so I settle into the Psalms - cries of the heart - for a time of refreshing focus. Not conflicted within myself, battling distraction, but wholly integrated into this task. My heart completely on board.
"Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my groaning.
Heed the sound of my cry for help, My King and God,
For to Thee do I pray."
Psalm 5:1-2
He hears you. Do you?
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