Let's Put "It's In The Past" In The Past

We've all hurt one another's feelings.  We've all had our feelings hurt.  It's pretty miserable either way, particularly the later scenario.  

The "hurt" feeling: a swift kick in the stomach, a tightness in the chest, our shoulders hunch over, our facial muscles collapse, our brow furrows as we struggle to understand what's happening...

Let's face it: it's unpleasant.

But it's also a fact of life.  By that I mean, it happens.  We do it, and it's done to us.


In moments of self-interest, anger, and failed connection, we hurt others.  
In places of vulnerability, need, and the desire for connection, we are hurt.

If only the hurt feeling stopped at the hurt feeling!  But it doesn't.  It can easily become a way of thinking about another person.  Once someone has hurt us, we filter everything through the darkened Lens of Distrust.  Healing is possible, but it requires two people who are willing and able to communicate and reach reconciliation and peace.  The One Who Was Hurt must express the hurt while the Hurter listens.  Then the Hurter must apologize, even if no intention to hurt another existed, and either explain their thinking or take full responsibility for being hurtful in word or in deed.  Here's what it looks and sounds like:

The One Who Was Hurt: "You hurt my feelings.  You said/did ______, and it really hurt me." 

The Hurter: "I'm so sorry my actions/words hurt you.  That wasn't my intention.  Here's what I was trying to communicate."

OR  

"I'm so sorry my actions/words hurt you.  I was angry/distracted/impatient/immature/etc."  

This gives us a great opportunity to grow, by the way!!

Now... I know it's not always that easy, and hurts can't always be addressed with a simple exchange; but that's the bare bones structure of resolving a hurt.  If we can master reconciling small hurts, we stand a better chance of being able to resolve some bigger and more complex offenses.  

The catalyst is empathy.  Through the lens of empathy, we recall how unfortunate and frankly yucky it feels to be hurt by another, and we apologize that we intentionally or unintentionally caused another person to feel that way.

Quick review!  

1. The One Who Was Hurt person expresses it; he Hurter owns it and explains/apologizes with sincerity.

2. The One Who Was Hurt forgives, and both move on.  

Note: If you are The One Who Was Hurt, and you cannot forgive and move on, that is your problem.  Not The Hurter's.

Note: If you are the Hurter, and you try to resolve a conflict without empathy and sincerity, and The One Who Was Hurt doesn't receive your apology or your apology doesn't heal things, try again when you can be empathic and sincere.

Here's what STYMIES this whole process:

The One Who Was Hurt: "You hurt my feelings.  You said/did ______, and it really hurt me."

The Hurter: "I'm not going to discuss that because it's in the past."

Wait-a-minute, huh?  It's "In The Past?"  As if unacknowledged hurt feelings automatically dissolve over time?  Sometimes they do, particularly if there is a lot of trust in the relationship, but not always.  And when the hurt doesn't just dissipate into a fine mist, a reconciliation and resolution is necessary.  If we use the argument of "It's In The Past," then healing is impossible and reconciliation remains out of reach, because the hurt happened "in the past."  Well, technically everything we discuss that transpires between two people is "in the past."  Whether it's been five minutes or five years, it's all in the past, right?  So who gets to decide?  

What is the Statute of Limitations on Hurt Feelings?  A day?  A week?  Two years?  Five years?  So if it's been a week and a day, the Hurt One has no grounds on which to speak their heart?  What about if it's been two and a half years?  No dice?  And... who are we to say?  Who made us the Judge of the Timeline of Reconciliation.  Nobody did.  And we don't have that right.

There is no Statute of Limitation on Hurt Feelings.  Nope, sorry.  There just isn't.  

Now, let me clarify this...

If your goal is to have relationships of any quality whatsoever, you know what that looks like... as long as we have people around and it looks cozy, then you go ahead and use the "It's In The Past" avoidance tactic.  You'll be surrounded by people who choose to be with you for one reason or another, but deep down in their hearts, they don't feel connected and safe.

If the goal is to have life-giving relationships that produce feelings of warmth, connection, safety, and fulfillment, then there is no Statute of Limitations.  Not on addressing the initial hurt and not on reconciliation.  

Here's the bottom line: if it's healed, then both parties will feel it.  Both parties will feel the rush of connection, warmth, and respect we all so intuitively want.

If it's not, then both parties will feel it.  The One Who Was Hurt will feel deep distrust and invalidation; The Hurter will feel a cold disconnect which allows them to function in relationship where hurts that they've inflicted still exist.

It doesn't matter if it happened 10 minutes ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago or 50 years ago.  

There is no Statute of Limitation on Hurt Feelings.  

Companies and corporations have "Open Door" policies.  That means that the "door" to leadership, management, and authority is always "open" for employees to be heard.  We must have "Open Door" policies in our relationships.  That means that regardless of how long ago it happened, the "door" to our heart is always open for reconciliation.

Here's how that looks:

The One Who Was Hurt: "I know it's been a while, but I need to address something with you..."

The Hurter: "Okay.  What's on your heart?"

Sometimes it looks like this:

The One Who Was Hurt: "I know we talked about this, but I'm still kind of hurting... and I realize there's more to it.  Can we talk about this again?"

The Hurter: "Absolutely.  I'm here.  I'm listening." (And mean it.)

I know, I know... I wrote earlier that if you've apologized, you've done your work.  And you have.  But again, if you want quality relationships with deep trust and attachment, this is a better way to go.  Why?  Because of empathy.  Because you've been there too - when you don't get everything out the first time and you need to revisit it and you hope someone will be willing to listen again.  So you choose to listen because you know how awful it feels to be shut down.

People have reasons for not confronting another.  Valid reasons.  Perhaps they were governed by a fear of confrontation earlier in their life, and now they've done some work and have the ability to address wrongs.  Perhaps the hurt was buried under anger, distraction, forgetfulness, or just time.  But when it comes up, it still needs to be addressed.

We need to have a sign on the door of our hearts that says, "Talk to me."

And if it's not resolved, put out another sign that says, "Talk to me again."  

And you know what happens?  People heal.  Because we've restored trust.  Because The Hurter cares more about the quality of the relationship and the other's heart than they do about being right.  

Then we can place our hurts, not "in the past," but finally... to rest.