I Forgive You... Again

The book of Matthew recounts a story of Peter asking Jesus for His thoughts about forgiveness... 

"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

I can appreciate Peter here. We all like to know what's required so we can pace ourselves, don't we? 

I run, and knowing how far I'm going to run on any given day gives me a sense of control. I can wrap my mind around what's coming if I know what's coming... 

But Jesus' response is a little like asking your running partner, "How far are we going? Three miles?"  

And they respond with, "No, let's shoot for fifty."

Ugh. 

There's a cup of coffee in front of me, piping hot and sinfully creamy, not too sweet. Just how I like it.  

Let the contemplation begin...



When is it easy to forgive? When I see and sense that the other person values the relationship by accepting fault, apologizing, and committing to change

When is it difficult? When there is defensiveness, deceit, blame, and a lack of awareness 

When have I needed it?  When I have been ruled by my emotions and acted on them

How does it feel to be forgiven? Like a waterfall of relief that washes away tension, followed by a sweet, sweet calm

How does it feel to be unforgiven? Like being shut out on the other side of a wall

How does it feel to forgive? It feels like opening a clenched fist, like sharing brokenness, like falling in love again

Now let's consider the nuts and bolts... 

When considering forgiveness, several essential questions are on the table:

• What is my relationship with the person who has wronged me?
• Do I believe they should have or could have known or done better?  In other words, could the pain of this situation have been avoided?
• How deep is the insult, damage, or hurt?
• What does this wrong mean to me?  
• What does this mean for the relationship?

When we are considering forgiveness as a category, we need to consider the series of experiences that land us in a place of needing to forgive another.

The first is pain.

Forgiveness is only necessary when there is pain. And pain - the kind that necessitates forgiveness - is generally heart pain, and it delivers a message that says: 

"You are not loved." 

"You are not known." 

"You are not seen." 

"You do not matter."

Ouch.  These messages hurt.

Next we must consider the intent of the person who caused us pain.

The following are the most common human weaknesses that cause pain that requires forgiveness: 

• carelessness
• lack of knowledge of the other
• emotional immaturity
• lack of consideration/self-interest

The following scenarios are less common, but still cause pain that requires forgiveness:

• miscommunication
• a sincere desire to help that went awry

And finally, we have the least common human condition that causes pain that requires forgiveness:

• malice (the intent to do harm)

It's interesting, isn't it?  Most of our hurts occur with no intention to harm us.  But they still hurt, don't they?  

Next, let's consider the impact of the hurt, the extent to which we have been harmed.  We may ask ourselves:

• How deep is the hurt?  
• What will I need to do to heal from this?
• What is the extent of the damage?
• What will it cost me?

Some wrongs in life can be righted through a good conversation and a change in behavior.

Some may require expensive, extensive therapy to undo the layers and layers of harm.

This is what we mean by extent. Some harms are superficial, like paper cuts and bruises. Some are quite damaging and lasting, like burns and lacerations.  

Emotional wounds work the same way.

At first we identify pain.  Pain is what necessitates forgiveness.

Then we consider intent.  What was this person's intention?

Now we consider extent.  What has it cost me?

So we consider 3 things: pain, intent, and extent.

In a moment, often without considering the implications, we choose to forgive or not forgive.  Sometimes we forgive far too easily... we do not feel our own pain or consider the implications and cost to our lives, so we let actions go that really need thoughtful addressing.  This is not good.  We should forgive, but not without becoming aware of what the events mean to and for us. Sometimes we are too unforgiving. We see intent to harm where there was no intent to harm, and we cannot let the person off the hook. Their intent doesn't affect how we view our hurt. This is also not good.

Paper cuts and bruises are benign, but what happens when we enter into far more intense subject matter: infidelity, betrayal, neglect, abuse, assault, malice?

When Jesus tells Peter to forgive many, many times more than expected, he doesn't give him a caveat.  He doesn't exclude certain classifications of wrongs.  He just says, in effect, "If you want to know and walk the true path of love, be prepared to forgive.  A lot."

What does this mean?

Does it mean we should forgive and forgive and forgive again if someone is abusing us? Betraying us?  Neglecting us?  Deceiving us?

Yes.  It does.

There are two types of forgiveness: horizontal and vertical.

Horizontal forgiveness is for common, every day human wrongs. It means that over time, over the course of our relationships, there are going to be actions and habits another person has which might be off-putting, annoying, or even hurtful. When we consider the pain, intent, and extent, we choose our course of action accordingly. Maybe we register the hurt and simply move on - low pain.  Maybe we notice it and say something - higher pain. Either way, horizontal forgiveness is required in every relationship because every relationship is populated by imperfect people.

Where horizontal forgiveness is concerned, the pain can be addressed, and the relationship can generally remain intact. If we address things properly (with honesty, curiosity, and honor for the other), we stand a decent chance of being heard. That increases the chances for the relationship to deepen and improve. In the long run, this means less harm, more intimacy, less pain, less to forgive.

Let's talk about vertical forgiveness.

Some wounds are devastating. Some wounds are so painful and the extent of the damage to our hearts, minds, and bodies so vast that the relationship must change. We cannot afford to give personal access to unsafe, unaware, or unkind people. The cost is too great, and we are the ones who must pick up the pieces and do the work, so we may choose to limit our engagement in the relationship or disengage completely. 

Does this still mean we must forgive them?

Yes.  

Why?  Because if we don't forgive, we live from the wounds.  We "walk with a limp."

A leg that is broken, set properly, and healed will likely gain full or close to full functionality. A leg that is broken, not set, and heals improperly will likely always hurt. It'll never gain full functionality, and we may walk differerently to avoid hurting it again and again.  

This is "walking with a limp."

The human heart functions the same way. This is why forgiveness is so important! Forgiveness heals relationships, but it also heals us to go on living with freedom and the fullness of our own hearts.

Here's a super-simplified path for deep healing.  It's never linear and always messy, but it goes something like this:

1. We identify the wounds we have suffered.

2. We allow ourselves to fully feel the pain in a safe environment.

3. We identify how we survived and examine our behaviors.  Are they healthy? Functional?

4. We begin to validate ourselves and give ourselves compassion.

5. We realize we can grow and be stronger people because of what has happened to us.

6. We forgive the person who harmed us.  (We might even get to the point of gratitude for the experience, but that's rare and truly beautiful.  That said, forgiveness is enough to experience healing.)

I've experienced all this and watch it unfold in my therapy office every day.  (For the record, this is why I do what I do.)

We may erroneously think that because the wounding is not happening in our current lives, we are past it. We think we have forgiven it if we are not living in it. Not necessarily. We have to do the work outlined above.  

Or we may think that because we forgave someone for something done to us long ago that we've let it go, and it's gone. Sometimes that's true, but do you ever find yourself thinking, "I've forgiven that person... why am I mad all over again?"

Here's why...

When we are engaged in personal growth, we encounter parts and layers of ourselves that we didn't know before.  And when we do, we become aware that these deeper layers of ourselves - out of our awareness yesterday but in our consciousness today - were also wounded. For example, I was viciously and deeply spiritually abused in my late teens and early 20s.  When I confronted those hurts as a young woman in my 20s, I did the healing work that my level of maturity could handle but was unaware of the harm and implications of which I'm aware today, in my 40s.  I didn't know then what I know now.  I found myself needing to forgive the same people for the same wrongs, again.  This time, on a deeper level.

This is vertical forgiveness: forgiveness on deeper and deeper layers.

So we come back to Jesus' teaching... "seventy-seven times."

Maybe what we need to forgive happens seventy-seven times in a year, in a week, in a day... that's horizontal forgiveness. 

I forgive you... again. 

But some wounds that happen fewer times than that can have far more damaging effects. And we keep forgiving, again and again, because I keep discovering more of me, and you keep discovering more of you... and with every layer we find, we have to forgive the harm done to that precious layer.

Jesus knew this.  "Seventy-seven times..."

There's a lot more to consider when contemplating forgiveness... but, I'm out of coffee.

Until next time...